So whatever happened to Halloween?

Over the past several weeks, my wife and I have spent our time searching the aisles of discount stores for cheap crappy candy to give out on All Hallow's Eve (Tip: For that nostalgic feel in your cheap crappy candy, visit Big Lots; they have Halloween treats dating back to October, 1932. The more contemporary minded shopper can also find huge savings on cheap crappy candy from Dollar General: a one pound bag of Reese's knock-offs, for example, goes for ninety-nine cents). We decorated our front stoop for the occasion, too. Hell, I even forwent my natural aversion to spiders and their lairs and left several cobwebs hanging from the rafters just to add that air of authenticity.

Tina considered cleaning all the shit I brought out of my old storage area out of our front dining room, but I convinced her that it made the house look more like the house of the crazy cat lady who had newspapers and broken clocks scattered all over her house and seemed to keep residences in every small town in Georgia. I even moved my black cat, Steve, to the front dining room, so he could take up a perch in the front window and hiss at all the newcomers.

We had one anemic looking vampire show up at five thirty (who, surprisingly, neither burst into flame nor disintegrated into a pile of dust), and he refused to take my candy because he had the wrong house (he was supposed to go to the one across the street where his third cousin lived, but he got turned around).

No houses were rolled, no cars egged.

Even the haunted houses took the night off, as if the ghosts had anything better to do.

All the older kids stayed home rather than jump the younger ones from bushes and steal their candy.

Nobody rang anyone's door-bells and left burning piles of shit on their porch.

There were no reports of razor blades in apples, no alien abductions.

However, the next day, All Saints Day, there were fall festivals all over town complete with dancing bears, clown balloon artists, and a pie contest.

Is Halloween passe, now? Shouldn't somebody send out a memo or something?